Hiding in plain sight

SAN ANTONIO- Once considered taboo in sweaty post-game locker-room interviews,  admission of sexual preference by professional athletes has now become commonplace. In the wake of rumors swirling about Olympic Figure Skater Johnny Weir’s thickly-veiled homosexual disguise, that allegedly got him into the pants-portion of fellow American Tanith Belbin’s costume, another shocking admission has come out of left field. This time it comes from the NBA, in the form of 12-time All-Star center Tim Duncan.

Despite being married for 7 years, Duncan recently admitted to being a homosexual to Instinct magazine. When questioned about the topic, Duncan, it seemed, was more shocked that everyone else was so shocked. “Have you ssseeeen me play basketball? I’m appalled no one has said anything yet!” The seven-footer gasped. Duncan attempted to keep his secret under wraps for years, while at the same time dropping subtle hints in hopes of catching a like-minded man’s eye. “I can’t hide who I truly am. I have perfectly manicured nails, I touch and hug my teammates all the time, my seductive 15-second-free-throw-stare- down! And no one ever even asked me about it! What is this? The seventies?” Duncan said, nearing tears.

It seems, in fact, playing basketball is the only heterosexual thing Tim Duncan really does.
According to Duncan, he takes his Volkswagen Jetta on weekly trips to Bikram yoga, “sings his heart out” to lady Gaga and coincidentally has the Olympic fever like the rest of the nation. “I just love Johnny Wier, his outfits are always black and silver. Coincidence? I think not.”

San Antonio Spurs head coach, Gregg Popovich, a graduate of the Air Force Academy, gave his stance to Bubble-Factory.org over the phone. “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” Pop said without hesitation.

Fellow Spur and former NBA Finals MVP Tony Parker had this to say on the topic. “I’m a pretty effeminate guy, plus I’m French so a lot of people questioned me on the subject. That’s pretty much the only reason why I paid, err…. got Eva Longoria to marry me. So the questions would stop. I gotta say I never saw this coming from Tim, but now that you say it, it makes sense.”

Also on the now openly gay list, but unavailable for comment; Los Angeles’ Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol, Cleveland’s Anderson Verejao and Charlotte’s Gerald Wallace.

Franky Bacon, contributor and philanthropist